Bulge Bead

Mar

by admin

what do you think of my descriptive writing?

about a shopping/town centre what do you guys think so far and any improvements that can be made, ideas for pen portraits would be much appreciated, sorry it ends mid sentence

"The heat of the summer sun beat down into the cramped town centre slowly roasting the eager shoppers from above. The Perspex ceiling trapping the moist air in the confined space. The pristine, polished white marble floor reflects the shop floors and the crowds being herded into them by the promise of bargains.
A bead of sweat forms on the brow of a middle aged woman, her eyes bulging as she notices the item she had come here for,"
just so you know there aren't any central characters or a story it is just a piece of descriptive writing for a moment in time in the town centre

This was fun to read because your choice of images was so good, as well as the words you used to bring those images into the mind's eye of the reader. This was written with intelligence and creativity, and with a good eye for the telling detail.
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> I don't think it should be in the present tense, but if you want it in the present tense for some specific reason, then the first line should be "The heat of the summer sun beatS down ..."
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> The Perspex ceiling trapping the moist air in the confined space.
Sentence fragment.

The Perspex ceiling TRAPS (or TRAPPED if you are going to shift to past tense)

Alternately, end the previous sentence with a comma and add this fragment as a clause, starting with a lower-case letter on "The"
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The pristine, polished white marble floor reflects the shop floors
The marble floor doesn't reflect the shop FLOORS. Maybe it reflects the shop WINDOWS or the GOODS for sale

and the crowds (OMIT "being") herded (LURED? HERDING? JAMMING? MIGRATING? DRAWN? ) into them (? Into WHAT? THE FLOORS? THE SHOPS? THE MALL?) by the promise of bargains.
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A bead of sweat forms on the brow of a middle aged woman, AND her eyes BULGE as she notices the item she had come here for."

Is there a reason for calling it "the item"? If so, that's fine; but if not -- it would be highly interesting to see what she finds so alluring -- with specific details.
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If this woman is a central character, this is a perfect place for a pen portrait of her. Before you begin, give her a specific identity -- socioeconomic status, ethnic background, social position (married, widow), professional and educational status. Then find a few (VERY FEW) details that nail her exactly. For example, the shoes a professional business woman wears are not the same as the ones a tired and poor housewife with three kids wears.